


I'll Worship Like a Dog at the Shroud of Your Lies

by lovi_via



Category: Wheel of Time - Robert Jordan
Genre: Angst and Porn, Bottom Rand al'Thor, M/M, Rand and Mat need couples' counseling, Sad people having sad sex basically, Top Mat Cauthon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:02:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23845669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovi_via/pseuds/lovi_via
Summary: Set during "The Fires of Heaven". So much has changed, yet Mat has not.
Relationships: Rand al'Thor/Mat Cauthon
Comments: 8
Kudos: 8





	I'll Worship Like a Dog at the Shroud of Your Lies

Mat Cauthon did not believe he had changed very much.

He was still no hero. Ta'veren was just a way he'd be addressed - nothing more, it didn't affect him. He wouldn't drape himself in that damned finery Rand did, or grow his beard out like Perrin. He was still human. He was still himself.

Rand, though, had changed. And Light, Mat wished he hadn't. Though the people around him were happy that Rand was starting to step up and change, Mat mourned the man he'd loved. Still loved.

He wondered what things might have been like if they had never left. If they didn't play a part in the Pattern - or rather, if no one else played a part in the Pattern. He didn't. He wasn't drawn to Rand because of the bloody Pattern. It was because he'd loved him. Always had, always would. 

Now, Mat paced back and forth in the dark of his room. At this point he couldn't quite even remember what they had been arguing about - something about his army at Tear the next morning, perhaps, but he couldn't quite catch the details of it. He wasn't certain if he wanted to, either.

"I'm going to leave when I get the chance," he said. "I'm going to leave."

"You'll come back. Like before."

"I won't. Not this time. What makes you think I would?"

"I know it's because of the Pattern," Rand whispered in the dark. "I know - it's pulling us close together-"

"It's not. Light, Rand, it's not."

He took one look at Rand faintly illuminated by candlelight. He was beautiful but changed. There was no brightness to those clear gray eyes of his like there once had been. The features of his face had grown sharper in the time they'd been away. Yet Mat kept telling himself that someday they would return to the Two Rivers and be happy like they were before. They didn't need the Pattern. If it really was true, and Mat was extremely hesitant to believe it was so, then it did nothing but ruin them.

Mat spoke at last. "I haven't changed a bit. I won't let the Pattern change me. And you shouldn't either, you're still the same-"

"We both know I'm not."

He hated to acknowledge it but Rand was right. He didn't know the stranger who walked about proudly in his brightly-colored finery. And didn't want to know him. That was not Rand al'Thor, it was just someone wearing his skin.

I want you back. I want us to be happy, to be like we were before.

He settled his hands on Rand's waist, sliding over his hips and burying his face in the crook of his neck. They sat there on the bed for a moment, Mat cling to his shoulders. He reached up to grab a fistful of soft red hair. Light, if he was going to cry now he'd at least be able to do it without Rand seeing him. As he rested a hand against Rand's neck he felt a sudden flush of warmth.

"You'll go for me tomorrow. Lead your army," Rand said quietly.

He would. That was what they'd discussed. He moved his head up from where he was resting to touch his lips to the skin of Rand's throat, just above the ornate collar to the shirt he wore. A sudden bolt of want pulsed through him and he pulled away to stare up at Rand.

He needed a distraction. 

"I want you," he whispered. "Want to taste you, want you beneath me-"

"Like what we had before?"

"Yes," Mat said grimly, though he knew that it would not be like before. Back then they at least thought they would come home eventually and settle into life - they would be more than friends, but at least everything else in the Two Rivers would resume as it had before. When they'd have sex before it was because they were so close and they had each other; it was a reminder of the love they had shared and still shared. Now Mat wanted Rand so he could forget.

"I want that too," Rand said.

With a heavy heart, Mat shifted so as to better kiss him. Rand opened his mouth and let his tongue slip against Mat's - he could feel Rand's half-hard cock pressing at him through his clothes. Maybe it was the knowledge that they would never go home, or how different Rand sounded as Mat slid his hands up to unbutton his coat, but he knew that Rand sought a distraction, too.

When he grabbed hold of Rand by the fabric of his shirt to press him down into the bed, Mat clung onto him as though he might slip away at a moment's notice. Briefly measuring how much the high collar of Rand's shirt covered his skin he bent his head down to suck a dark mark onto Rand's neck. Rand was needy tonight, nails raking at Mat's back through his clothes and desperately trying to pull his shirt off.

"Mat," he pleaded, gyrating his hips, "Mat, please. Need you-"

He wanted it - needed it - just as much as Rand did, yet it pained him. Back then he would trail kisses over Rand's scars and count the freckles marking his skin. When Mat looked down at Rand he almost winced at the sight of fresh scars scattered over Rand's chest and torso, a painful reminder that things had changed and they would never go back to the way they were. Harshly, he closed his eyes and moved his mouth to press his lips to Rand's collarbone, nipping at the skin there and listening to the soft, keening moans Rand let out till he pulled away and there was a mark left behind. Briefly, Mat trailed a hand over the new scars that marred Rand's smooth, pale skin, making it impossible for him to pick out the scars he'd once known so well before.

What happened to you? He thought. He had an answer. He just didn't want to hear it.

His hair rustling against Rand's skin, he grazed the pads of his free hand over Rand's nipples and took one into his mouth.

A hand settled itself against his hair, gripping tightly and guiding his head down. "Mat-"

He sucked lightly, feeling the heat of Rand's skin against his and listening to the soft noises Rand made. After a few moments he pulled away from Rand, lips slick with spit, and moved to the other nipple. His teeth scraped lightly at the sensitive skin. Forgetting home, Mat closed his eyes and savored the sounds escaping Rand's throat, guiding a hand over Rand's warm skin and pressing his fingertips against his cock through his pants. Again Rand let out a cry, this one notably louder than the previous.

He wants to forget about this as much as I do.

No, Mat told himself. He needed to focus. Focus on Rand trembling beneath him, so eager. So full of need.

"How do you want me?" Rand asked. When Mat pulled away from his chest he took note of a certain brightness in Rand's eyes - not the warmth he'd been so familiar with, but something else entirely.

"On your stomach," Mat hissed, pressing at Rand's cock again. "On your stomach, so I can see all those marks I made on your neck, listen to you beneath me-"

He could feel a stirring inside him, cock pressing up against Rand's legs through his pants. His hands slid down to Rand's hips, and he practically melted in Mat's grip. He should have been happy. Even after so much time spent apart Rand was still unchanged when it was just the two of them. But something was off. He was only with Rand al'Thor tonight in name only, whoever this was was just wearing his skin and bones.

"Want to fuck that pretty mouth of yours," he hissed, rolling off Rand. "Grab you by the hair, feel your lips on my cock-"

"Mm. Yes. Need you."

He started tugging off his pants. The friction of the fabric on his skin was warm.

"I can stop," he whispered to Rand, tangling his fingers in his hair.

"Don't. I don't want you to."

There was an edge of pain to Rand's voice. Neither of them wanted to stop. They couldn't. Not if they wanted to forget.

Mat started to fumble with his smallclothes and Rand leaned over, placing his hands on Mat's skin. He traced at Mat's cock through his smallclothes, eyelids heavy.

"I can take it off for you if you need me to."

He did so, and Mat pushed his head down.

Rand pressed his lips to the head of Mat's cock, closing his eyes and sucking lightly. His tongue was warm and slick, licking and lapping at Mat. He hollowed his cheeks and Mat listened to him inhaling, resting a hand on his head. He clenched his teeth, biting back a sob. He remembered the nights before, though unwillingly: Limbs tangled together, matching their breathing in sleep because back then they had the luxury to do so. He'd suck Rand off, have him squeezing hold of a pillow or biting down on the collar of his shirt trying to muffle the noises he made. He knew why that wasn't the case tonight: It would hurt too much if they tried to have things stay the same. How ironic that they were here out of denial, because neither of them wanted to admit that they were caught up in the Pattern.

He loved Rand. Trusted him. Knew him - well, at least a long time ago he must have. But it was tonight, so close to someone he put so much trust in, that Mat had never felt more helpless and hopeless in his life.

He gripped hold of Rand by the hair tightly, delighting in the sudden gasp he'd heard. Yes, he pretended he was fucking a stranger's mouth. It made the both of them feel so much less helpless if they at least admitted it wasn't the same now. 

He pushed Rand's head back before he could come, though, and watched a trail of saliva fall past Rand's lower lip. Mat stroked his hand over Rand's cheek.

"I love you," Rand said to the dark. He spoke the truth. That was still a constant. Then:

"Get on your stomach."

The other times he'd have Rand on his back, maybe clutching a pillow to his chest. Back then he'd been happy to look down at the familiar, freckled-face of his beloved. But now, Mat realized as he reached for the bottle of lubrication, he wanted Rand on his back so he didn't have to see his face. Didn't want to see the light that had died from his eyes or the new sharpness to his features made only more prominent and strange by the ornate clothes he wore. It would only remind him that the man he'd loved for so long was an entirely different person than the one he'd seen. 

He couldn't see Rand's face, but he caught a glimpse of the pillow he clutched in his arms. He lowered Rand's trousers and smallclothes, gazing at the expanse of scarred skin. New scars - ones he didn't remember - littered Rand's legs.

I love you too, Mat wanted to tell him. But he knew how painful it would be to say the words out loud.

He slicked his fingers with lubrication, prodding at Rand's entrance. He wondered if he'd crooked his finger too harshly when he heard Rand cry out, but then came a small protest when he started to pull his finger out. Again he stretched Rand open with his fingers, breathing in and out.

Rand reached one arm behind him trying to part his entrance. When he managed to form coherent words at last the words were still breathy.

"Please take me, Mat."

He listened to Rand's ragged breathing as he slammed forwards, rocking back and forth inside of him. It felt good - not quite the same "good" as the times before - to feel Rand give out from underneath him, to feel his muscles tense up. 

He closed his eyes. He needed to focus on the pleasure.

Warm, slick flesh enveloped Mat. The sensation was intoxicating, too much for him to take in all at once. He was brutal in his pace, squeezing Rand's hips tightly and listening to him cry out. If he focused hard enough he could pretend that they were oblivious to everything else in the world that crumbled around them, that this was just a distraction and that they had nothing else left. Just the pleasure.

Without thinking he moved one hand to grope between Rand's legs and take hold of his cock wet with pre-cum. It was both a solace and a pain to listen to the soft little whines Rand let out. He moved his hand against Rand's cock up and down.

"Mat," he whimpered. "Mat, pleasepleasepleaseplease-"

For a split-second it was like so long ago: They were both so exposed to one another, so familiar with their bodies and minds. And then the feeling slipped away and the stranger beneath him was back: Moaning, mind hazy as he tried to thrust back onto Mat's cock.

"I love you," Mat forced out. It was a stinging reminder. That even if Rand had changed in ways he didn't want, there was no way to shake the feelings that had remained for so long.

"I'm sorry."

Rand twitched beneath him. It was painful knowing that he was with a stranger tonight but the physical pleasure it brought him as mesmerizing. He liked how this stranger trembled beneath him every time he so much as moved a fraction. And he didn't want to let go, even though he knew he had to-

Mat let go.

Rand's come was wet on his hand and Mat pulled out, listening to the cries he let out die down. It was good, he realized, that they were in the dark. That way Rand wouldn't be able to see his tears.

He waited for a quiet moment. In better times he and Rand might have had some banter, but tonight they had nothing. They weren't even able to pretend because that was how much they had been stripped bare.

"I know you're sorry," Mat said. Perhaps if he still was delusional enough, he would have added, "It's okay."

He pulled the covers over them. At least in sleep they wouldn't have to acknowledge what they had now.

Morning would come and Mat would leave, just like Rand claimed he would. But for now, while the brief euphoria still hadn't left him, Mat could forget.

He turned with his back to Rand, and it was only as he was drifting off that he realized he could get a glimpse of the old Rand al'Thor by listening to him softly cry himself to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Angst time. I don't usually write this stuff because I will ugly cry doing so, which happened.
> 
> As always comments are appreciated :3


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